Pointers for Peaceful Parenting

By, Jill Miller Zimon

Over the years that I have been raising three children, now ages seven, eleven and fourteen, my feelings of inner chaos, indecision and overload have given way to a confidence based on experience. My kids will not die if the yogurt in their lunch expired earlier than when they ate it. And they will look lovely even if they are wearing clothes that, although clean, never made it up to their drawers but were pulled from an as yet unloaded dryer, just moments before the school bus arrived, because I gave precedence to some other chore.

But the best evidence I can produce about my evolution is in the form of an unexpected email from another mother, a mother whom I always thought was the “I don’t know how she does it” mother.

I'm not sure if you realize how many lives you touch through your writing. [But,] from my vantage point, you are the "one" that the other Mommies look at and say "How does she do it?" I'm in awe...

In my effort to maintain calm, as a parent, experience has been my best teacher. Here are the top tips I have to offer. The one commonality? Getting or taking a break, from whatever it is.

1. Help. If you’ve just had a baby, you will need rest. You deserve it. Now call, and get it, and don’t worry about it. People want to help. They really, really do. And remember – getting help now will make it all the more rewarding for when you get a chance to offer help to someone else.

Maybe one of your kids is sick and you need him or her to be watched while you go to get one of your other children. My kids are on a neighborhood swim team, but they don’t all go to the meets and sometimes have other obligations that conflict. So I ask my neighbors to take my kids to away meets. I reciprocate by doing the same, or bringing their kids home from practice.

Perhaps you want to attend school board meetings, or do volunteer work or go to a presentation. Let your older kids watch your younger kids. This arrangement is easier than ever with cell phones. You need to use your judgment when it comes to the age of your children, their relative level of responsibility, how far away you will be and for how long. But, again, remember: children typically want to help out and feel responsible, as though you trust them. And the only way to build trust is to give it.

2. Separate. When conflict arises, separate yourself from your kids and them from one another. Reserve yelling for only the most dramatic circumstances. If you do nothing but raise your voice, the effect wears off. In my house, if I yell, my kids know they have done something wrong – even if they don’t know what it is yet – because I only raise my voice a couple of times a year.

Separate them from one another – via a time out or to different activities. If they say that they want to play together, tell them that they cannot do that until they can promise to play together rather than fight.

As a last resort, tell them that they can scream at each other as long as they like because you are leaving the room until you calm down. Tell them that you need a time-out because you realize that you cannot speak to them in a good parent kind of way and you will return as soon as you have calmed down. Tell them to use the time to calm down too (in separate rooms if they can’t calm down where they are). Then, take a lap around the house, sit in the bathroom with a magazine, or call a friend or your mother. Afterwards, approach your kids with a refreshed mind and more suggestions for how they will be allowed to continue whatever it is that they were doing – or not.

3. Laugh. Along with this tip is smile and hug. These behaviors are unexpected and often distract children enough for them to forget whatever was the problem in the first place. Then, turn your attention to a new activity or re-attempt whatever it was that they were doing. Again, the break serves as a way to re-set the system.

Parenting is not a sprint. It requires stamina. You also do not have to be perfect, just balanced. And the only way to retain or refresh that balance is to ease up on yourself and everyone else. Remember – the week old yogurt will not harm them. And you need to make sure that you take whatever steps necessary to be sure that you don’t feel like you will either.

The Best Tips Ever for Peaceful Parenting

1. What’s new is old. If you are looking for novel, never before seen or heard yet wildly successful tried and true tips for how you can be the How Does She Do It parent in your town, fahgeddaboutit. However, if you are looking for advice that has worked more often than not and has allowed three children to thrive and a mother and father to remain sane through more than thirteen years of parenting, then you are in the right place.

I still use every single one of these pleas, I mean, ploys, I mean best practices for maintaining peace on my home. It’s actually kind of amazing that my kids haven’t adjusted around them and forced me to find more. But if it ain’t broke…

2. Turn off all electronics and then pull out and play with or use:
-anything your kids haven’t used in at least three months;
-birthday presents that were unwrapped but didn’t get opened; I keep a pile of these in the attic and the basement;
-leftover anything, such as goodie bag objects from one of their birthday parties or stocking stuffers you didn’t use or that were extras (I have a box of Chinese yo-yos, Silly Putty, mini-Play-Dohs, paint-by-numbers – you name it);
-brownie mix or some other baking kit (or bake from scratch);
-music and dance.

Obviously, the length of time and the amount of involvement needed from you will vary depending on your child’s age and your temperment. But, depending on what you were trying to accomplish in instituting a peace, after the kids have engaged in one of the above kinds of activities, you might let them go back to the television or computer, so long as they don’t argue, of course.

3. Before war breaks out, go to a half-price bookstore or library book sale and stock up on inexpensive books – especially craft or rainy day idea books, DVDs, videos or games. Then, when you need to play Secretary of State, your negotiation will involve their participation in reflection – over a book or other educational (to you) item.

4. Get out the baby pictures. My kids love to look at themselves – in photographs and old video recordings. If you have a lot of loose pictures, when you go to a dollar store or other similar shop, buy a ten or twenty sleeve plastic “brag book” for each of your kids (and maybe yourself too). Then, when you need to force the warring parties into a treaty, break out the photobooks and let them make one for themselves.

5. Don’t think for a minute that these activities reward bad behavior. I don’t support that in the least. But remember, if your goal is to institute some peaceful time – for everyone? You need to break up the pace of whatever was happening. These suggestions are intended to accomplish that goal.

6. Turn on all the electronics. I use this technique when I plan in advance. For example, when someone has a doctor’s appointment and I know that someone who doesn’t want to come with us is going to have to come with us. I “deprive” them of the Gameboy beforehand and then unleash it in the waiting room.

If you use this technique at home, you may need to use an egg timer for the computer. But another peaceful pleasure my children get, when they earn it and to save my mental health, is to let them on my computer and on theirs – and then they can be together in places like Club Penguin, a social networking website geared for younger kids.

7. Does anyone have a birthday or other occasion coming up? Someone need a get well card, happy anniversary, new dog, lost tooth? Something, anything that requires your kids to sit and color and decorate paper with whatever sparkle, crayons, markers and water colors you have around? That’s one or more less cards that I don’t have to go out and buy.

8. Go outdoors. Now there’s a novel idea, yes? Rake leaves and jump in them – yes, that still entertains kids immensely. Go for a walk, a bike ride, a pick up sticks around the yard expedition. Frisbee, catch. My kids have even enjoyed putting on all their raingear and going in the rain to get soaked, with mom’s approval. Talk about making the house peaceful inside while they are outside screaming up a storm.

9. Let them close all the shades in their bedroom and use flashlights under their covers. My kids have even made cozy corners in one of the bathrooms and camped out in there – reading to each other. No kidding.

10. Here’s a tricky one: let your spouse or significant other take over. For example, at night, my husband will read to the kids in our bed for about 15-20 minutes while I do a little more laundry or write a few e-mails or make a couple of phone calls. In other words, give yourself a break and let someone else take over. It can even be one sibling reading to other, or giving the other his or her spelling test that needs to be done.

Now – go give peace a chance.

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