RAISING KIDS TO HAVE INTEGRITY

By: Jill Miller Zimon

When you were a child, were you the student who arched your arm around your test paper so that no one else could see your answers? Or were you the student who trained yourself how to keep your head still, as though you were looking at your own work, while moving your eyes to the farthest corner of their sockets in an effort to see what the kid next to you had written down?

Or maybe, on the sports field, did you ever accidentally on purpose make a move that helped you or your team score a win, when you should have scored a violation? Don’t answer any of these questions out loud. Your secrets are still safe.  

But given the emphasis today on academic achievement and success in sports, how do we ensure that our kids are not straining their eyes in an effort to excel, please their parents and superficially at least, feel like they are number one? In other words, how can we help them to not lose sight of the importance of integrity?

How to define integrity

Adults can point to many news stories that raise issues about integrity. What do you think about negative campaign advertisements? What do we think about the embellishment of achievements? How original does one’s material have to be in order to use it in a speech without attribution?

With concepts like integrity, I often refer back to a very famous quote from United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart. In the 1964 case, Jacobellis v. Ohio, Justice Stewart struggled in his written opinion to define a similarly elusive but, we hope, an entirely different concept: what is obscene.

"I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it,…

In general, integrity is at stake when we profess to adhere to a set of values regarding conduct but contemplate or engage in behavior that would fail to demonstrate our insistence in the maintenance of those values.

In the case of cheating, we value getting ahead by doing our own work. But the pressure of wanting to do well might convince some children to swap out one value – not cheating – with another - getting good grades.

In the case of sports, playing and winning by the same rules that everyone else follows matters to us and should matter to our children. But the praise that goes along with getting the top medal or trophy versus the frowns that might accompany losing could cause a child to consider literally sidestepping the game’s regulations in order to get the gold.

How to instill integrity

Child psychologist, Syliva Rimm, in her book, How to Parent So Children Will Learn (Three Rivers Press, 1996), talks about the role of parents in “setting positive expectations.”

…expectations can become quite complex if they aren’t specifically stated. It’s critical that your expectations be realistic in terms of your children’s abilities and that you establish expectations in ways that enable children to follow through effectively.

Basic expectations should be stated clearly, briefly, and simply to children. They should understand exactly what their parents’ value system is, which values they are expected to follow through on, and where they can make their own choices.

Examine your expectations, all your expectations. Then, settle on and, between parents, agree upon their priority: which ones can be sacrificed for which other one, if ever and under what circumstances, and which ones must never be sacrificed.

After you have established and conveyed your expectations, do not forget the importance of role modeling. Dr. Rimm’s book advises that,

Parents are often hesitant about using their power as role models for their children. They prefer to tell their children that they don’t want to choose for them…[but if] parents refuse to inspire their children as role models, the children must seek others and may choose them by chance or proximity. Parents should make a deliberate effort either to establish themselves as potential role models or to guide their children toward a circle of appropriate role models from which to choose.

Tap your network and other resources

I remember how, when my oldest child was less than three, we picked up a video at a library book sale called, Kids for Character. Why? Not because it teaches integrity by showing how we get into situations that challenge us to make good choices. Rather, each vignette about values featured familiar television or book characters. But I was thrilled nonetheless.

The organization that put out that video continues to maintain resources at the Character Counts website (www.charactercounts.org). The materials include a page called, “What Parents Can Do To Teach Integrity” (http://charactercounts.org/resources/parents/parenting_for_integrity.html ) and a page with several categories of materials for readers to consult.

Don’t forget about your school’s handbook, administrators and guidance counselors, They have worked with hundreds if not thousands of parents and children. Other parents and religious leaders may also be good sounding boards when you sense a problem.

There’s no fail-safe suggestion. If there were, someone would be a millionaire, or at least have their own reality show about how to do it. But as a parent, you can maximize the likelihood that your children will know how to make good choices and lead a life that leads others to say he or she has integrity.

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